Last night I had a great call with my daughter. I don’t chat about her too much on my blog because I have some sadness surrounding my ex-wife and my baby. In some ways, I feel like I have failed them with my mental illness and current agoraphobia.
When I was well, I was able to do things I have trouble with now. I used to go out and be spontaneous, walk (i used to love walks around town and hiking with my little one) go to crowded places, work, I was able to tolerate much more. I look back now and realized I had a lot going on in my life but being superman wore me down
My call went well because, for one, I was able to stay on the phone for more than 5 minutes. My little one said “Daddy, watch my shows with me” we were on Facetime. She laid with the phone pointing at the screen and we just watched her shows. She loved it. I loved it.
After the 5 minute mark, i started to get anxious and my head started to tell me bad things like I’m going to ruin her life, she’s better off without me. Instead of cutting off the call. I sat with those feelings and realized. There is no basis to these ideas. She was happy, content, she misses me.
I can’t ask for more. I’m not going to harm her. She just wants her daddy back. And I’m here. I love her so much. She’s such a strong little lady.